The Death Eater Song
by Palladias
Summary: A filk based on the Monty Python hit, The Lumberjack Song. No ship. Contains mild references to crossdressing.


A/N: Yes, I completely ripped this off from Monty Python. This is my last post before I head off for camp (CTY: Cognitive Psychology). Ta! 

**And Now for Something Completely Different:  
The Death Eater Song**

The induction of the new Death Eaters was drawing to a close. One by one the new recruits had demonstrated their fiendish powers and received the blessings and mark of their new lord. Hermione Granger had been watching the entire thing, secreted behind a gravestone. Unlike Voldemort's reincarnation, graves played no practical role on the initiation, and Hermione could only suppose they had met there for the ambiance. It was, all in all, a terribly impractical meeting place, as the graves offered plenty of cover. 

Hermione knew she was lucky to have received such a (relatively) safe assignment from the Order. All she needed to do was neutralize Draco Malfoy inconspicuously, before he joined his Dark Lord's ranks. Dumbledore had been rather vague on the reasons Malfoy had to go, remarking only that he had been mentioned in a new prophecy that also specified Hermione must do the deed. After concocting her plan, she thought she understood why few wizards could have formulated it. Avada Kedavra was far too flashy for this mission. 

She carefully read over the notes she had made and got a good sightline as Malfoy stepped up and swore his loyalty to Voldemort. Finally the Dark Lord intoned, "Show us, young Malfoy, what unique skills you will use to gain the favor of your master." 

This was the moment. Hermione aimed carefully than hissed, _"Imperio!"_

Draco Malfoy had planned to dissect the prisoner before him in layers, removing first the skin and proceeding till he was left with a skeleton. Suddenly, though, he felt as though a weight had been lifted off of him. He was filled with joy, his feelings bubbling over till he thought he might burst; finally, he found an outlet as he opened his mouth and began to sing. 

_I'm a Death Eater and I'm O.K.   
I torture all night and I kill all day._

The Death Eaters stood silent for a moment. It was not that they did not believe what they saw; not enough time had passed for that. At the moment, they were still trying to determine what, precisely, had gone wrong with their eyes. Oblivious, Malfoy continued singing lustily. 

_I kill muggles.   
I hate mudbloods.   
I send Dark Marks in the air.   
I don my Death Eater mask   
And always gel my hair. _

I'm a Death Eater and I'm O.K.   
I torture all night and I kill all day. 

Some of the Death Eaters were now murmuring charms to clear the vision. It was clear many of them believed they had been Confounded or struck with a similar hex. It was, after all, not out of the realm of possibility that a new recruit might see an opportunity for promotion by creating a vacancy. It could be that young Malfoy, had chosen to perform a spell of mass hallucination, although his subject matter suggested he was either not proficient with the charm, or he had a stranger sense of humor than was customary. Either way, there was no such thing as excessive paranoia in the Death Eaters; it was safest to wait until a higher up reacted. Unimpeded, Malfoy continued. 

_I kill muggles.   
I love to smirk.   
I wish Harry Potter were dead.   
I put on ladies dress robes   
And go to the Hog's Head._

That was a bit much to stomach, even as a test of unswerving loyalty. It had been bad enough when the Dark Lord had slipped interrogation into routine briefings: "Avery has reported that the situation at Hogwarts is _NOTT! HAVE YOU BEEN BETRAYING US TO DUMBLEDORE?_ progressing nicely." The Death Eaters were becoming restless, and many were fingering their wands. Lucius Malfoy had lost his customary blasé air and was clenching and unclenching his hands on the arms of his chair, muttering something that sounded like, "_...toldhimnevertotell...nodiscretion.…havetoact..._" His perfectly manicured fingernails had gouged deep furrows in the chair, and wood splinters were clearly lodged under his cuticles. Those around him remained silent; if Malfoy had not noticed what he was doing, none of them wanted to be the one to tell him. And young Malfoy sang on. 

_I'm a Death Eater and I'm O.K.   
I torture all night and I kill all day. _

I kill muggles.   
I curl my hair.   
I Polyjuice into my Ma.   
I want to be a girlie,   
Just like... 

At this, Lucius leapt from his seat, wand out stretched. "Don't finish that verse, boy!" But Draco, devoid of any will for self-preservation, finished gleefully. 

_...my dear Pa-p... _

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" 

Draco Malfoy fell softly as Lucius turned, his wand still drawn, "No one here must ever speak of this again, _ever!"_

And no one did, until the next briefing meeting when the Dark Lord was heard to say, "We shall strike when the enemy DOLOHOV! IT WAS YOU THAT GAVE THE STORY AND PHOTOGRAPHS OF THE LATE YOUNG MALFOY TO SKEETER, WASN'T IT! is weakest. Meeting adjourned." 


End file.
